My warning label

Dear (Potential Suitor)-

Before we begin, I feel there are some things you should know about me, perhaps this will prevent either one of us from wasting our time or suffering the effects of a broken heart.

I dream big, I want for more than I will probably ever have, I will talk about impossibilities as if they are about to become my truth.  Please allow me this, it gets me through the day.

I’m a messy girl.  My closet frequently appears as though it has suffered a missile attack and there are always dirty dishes in the sink.  I hate to vacuum the floors and cleaning the bathroom only happens once it becomes a hazardous mess.

I will smother you if you let me, please don’t let me.  I will allow you to become my everything and lose sight of who I am in the process, then, I will blame you.

I will want to go out with my girlfriends without you tagging along.  I am not going to pick up guys, I will happily drunk dial you while I am gone and I will come home to you every time.

I like to spend one evening a week in front of my tv watching mindless sitcoms and shows about empty-headed rich girls that live in LA, this doesn’t make me shallow, I’m still intelligent, I know its silly.  Give me this one night.

I’m not a morning person.  I will not bounce out of bed with a smile on my face, but I will drag my ass out of bed and whine like a baby for the first hour of my day if awakened against my will.  Once I get that out of my system, if you are patient with me, I will make you a really good breakfast.

I don’t like to talk on the phone.  I probably won’t engage you in stimulating conversation over the phone.  I will be listening, trying not to think about that fact that every damn time I get on the phone I have to pee.  Also, I will say “what?” and “um?” alot, it’s not because I can’t hear you, its because I don’t know what to say.

I have 3 dogs, they have a lot of hair.  There will be dog hair on my floor and they smell like dog.  My dogs and I are a package deal.  Love me, love my dogs.  If you can’t handle that, we’re done here.

I endured a really bad relationship and went through a bad breakup.  I’ve had my heart broken, it changed how I react to certain things.  I’m sorry, we all have baggage, that is my carry on.

I’ve suffered from depression.  I may have a problem with it again, I don’t know.  I work hard to fight it when I feel it coming on and I will involve you if I feel myself becoming depressed.  It is an illness not to be dealt with alone.  Again, we all have baggage.

I will remember everything you say that you like and dislike.  I will buy you the most thoughtful gifts I can possibly think of based on those likes and dislikes.

I will miss you when you are not with me and when I see you I won’t want to let go of you.  If I am not doing these things, chances are, you aren’t it for me.

I will say I like you, I really like you and I could see myself with you for a long time, but I probably won’t say I love you, you’ll have to say it first.

I want to get married, I want to live with someone, I want to be taken care of.  I will not make this a secret, but I’m not looking for just anyone, I’m looking for ‘the one’.

I want you to make yourself at home in my home.  I will keep your favorite food on hand, stock my refrigerator with your favorite beer and do anything else you need to feel comfortable there.  Please just make sure you put the toilet seat down while you are there.

I will have great tolerances for your hobbies, habits and idiosyncrasies.  I will even try to take an active interest in things that do not interest me because they interest you.  In turn, I ask that you not look down upon me for my love of shoes, handbags and celebrity gossip.

I am rarely satisfied with not having travel plans.  Whether it’s a long weekend or a trip overseas, I want to go, I don’t want to spend my free time on my couch, that’s what my evenings are for.

I will probably never stop learning.  I’m constantly looking to learn from books, from people and from experience.  If I’m not learing something from you, chances are we won’t last long.

I want to own my own business, I want to write a book, I want to travel; these are long-term goals that I will need you to be supportive of and on board with.  My desires for my life do not begin and end with you, but they most certainly will include you if you want to be a part of them.

I get jealous and insecure.  Sometimes I feel ugly, or fat, or undesirable.  I will need reassurance and I will need you to be understanding.

I’m opinionated and I don’t like to be wrong.  Please don’t feel like you can’t argue with me if I am wrong, I welcome it, but you better have your facts straight because I will try to prove you wrong.

My tolerance for lies, modified versions of the truth or omissions of information is quite low.  Lying is a betrayal of trust, even if the lie has little to do with our relationship.  Once you lie to me I will look at you differently and I may never feel the same about you after.  Don’t lie to me, it’s easier to tell the truth and significantly increases our chances of surviving together.

I don’t often cry in front of people, even if I am very hurt or very sad.  I put on a pretty good show that indicates I am strong and unaffected.  In reality, I’ve been conditioned not to show emotion, please don’t mistake my lack of outward emotion for a lack of feeling.

My feet are firmly planted in reality.  I don’t believe in the unknown.  If it can’t be scientifically explained or proven, chances are I will not believe it.  This is the reason I do not read fiction and it is the reason I have trouble watching science fiction.

I really, really, dislike making simple decisions like choosing the restaurant we eat at or choosing which movie we will see.  Deciding what shoes to wear with my outfit is trying enough, please don’t make me think about dinner or movies.

I will analyze everything you say and do.  I will give meaning to meaningless actions.  I will question why you sat on the couch with your legs crossed away from me rather than toward me.  I will wonder why you said “goodbye, beautiful” on the phone one night but simply said “goodbye” the next.

I will assume any woman who sends you a text message is someone you are sleeping with, have slept with or hope to one day sleep with.  Please explain, or change their name in your phone to a dudes name so I don’t have to worry.

If you dated her once.  I hate her.

If you had sex with her.  I hate her more.

I adore a man who is good with directions, drinks coffee, knows how to tip, opens doors for me, uses words you don’t hear in everyday conversation, brings me flowers, knows a lot about wine, bourbon or scotch, can fix things around the house, gets my cynical sense of humor, makes me laugh, makes me feel safe, is not just good but great in bed, is not afraid to try new things and treats me with the utmost respect.

It also doesn’t hurt if you can charm all of my friends and family and make them adore you as much as I do.

Chances are you will not meet my friends and family for quite sometime, I try to separate my romantic relationships from my family life to avoid having to explain the comings and goings of men that things just didn’t work out with.  If I introduce you to my friend Carrie, you have your foot in the door.  When you meet my brother, you know I’m smitten.

I believe I can have everything I want from life because I am willing to go after it.  I don’t take it well when I am told that I want too much or that something is impossible.  Nothing is impossible, I will have it all; the man of my dreams and the life I dream of.

This is my warning label.  I ask that you not forget in addition to all of these things, I am caring, fun to be around, easy to talk to, silly, strong, delicate, funny, fancy, plain, ordinary, extraordinary, and so much more.