How to take a compliment

The following is part of a chat conversation Joel and I had this morning (Hi, honey, aren’t you glad I’m a blogger?  No such thing as privacy, huh?)

Joel: don’t women have any filtering system for compliments?

me: yes, we do, it would require an in-depth explanation

Joel: draw me a flow chart

me: maybe i’ll blog about it

Joel: are men’s and women’s compliments filtered differently?

which one is more scrutinized?

me: they are filtered differently, men’s compliments are more suspect than women’s.

I’d like to speak on behalf of all women when I explain the thoughts women have upon receiving a compliment, however, I realize a couple of things; 1. I am not normal, 2. no two women think alike and 3. women will contradict one other women just for the hell of it.  Soooooo, this is my take on it and you all can agree or disagree however you like in the comments.

Please note I approached this not only with my straight-forward way of writing but with a good deal of sarcasm, don’t send me comments on how much of a bitch I am, I’m well aware.

Men complimenting women:

When i get a compliment from a man such as; your hair looks nice, i like your shirt, you smell good, etc, I think a number of different things based on a number of different factors.

First I try to asses if the man actually means what he is saying or if he means the opposite.  In other words, is he trying to insult me?

I will focus on eye shifting and any other signs that this is an obvious insult.

If i perceive the man giving the compliment to be very good-looking or out of my league, chances are I will assume I have just been given a backhanded compliment.  I will slink away and make plans to change my clothes, hair, name and state of residence.

If I perceive myself to be out of the compliment givers league I assume the compliment to be genuine and I deem the giver a creep.

If I perceive the man to be on my level of attractiveness, I assume he is trying to get me into bed.  Depending on how the rest of the conversation goes, this may just work out for him.

If this a completely platonic friend giving me a compliment I will assume he is secretly in love with me, this will either be 1.flattering or 2. creepy, depending on his attractiveness.

If a compliment is given from an inebriated man, not matter how good-looking, I assume it’s the liquor talking.

Women complimenting women:

If the woman is a complete stranger and compliments something like my hair or my clothes I will assume it is a genuine compliment, unless the woman is 10 times better looking than I am, then I will assume it is an insult.

If the woman is a really good friend (like really, really, good) I assume the compliment is genuine and I simply say “Thank You” or in some cases “Ohmygodiknowthisoutfitissototallycute!!!”

If the complimenter is an acquaintance then I will assume one of two things: 1. she wants to be my friend or 2. she hates me and is making fun of me.

Which of the above assumptions I make is based on two things: how much better looking is she than I or I than she? and how much more awesome is she than I or I than she?

If I’m better looking and more awesome she obviously wants to be my friend, and lets face it, that’s not happening.

If she is better looking and more awesome than me (BTW, impossible) then she hates me and is making fun of me, no worries, chances are I already hate her anyway.

If the woman giving the compliment is much older than myself I will question my choice of hairstyle, clothing, music or whatever she is complimenting because obviously I’m doing something wrong if old women like what I am doing.

************************************

So, that’s how women dissect compliments.

Doesn’t it just make you wish you’d never said anything?

All I want for Christmas

My mom asked me this morning to put together a Christmas list for her.  So what do I do?  I fantasize about all the things I would love to ask for but know I will never get.  I still haven’t made her the list of things she can get me, but I have completed my list of things any well-to-do admirer can get for me.  Priorities, you know?

First off these boots that I’ve been lusting after for months now.  Seriously though, these boots would get little use, I’d spend most of my time wearing these lying on my back, because they are most definitely fuck me boots.

Steve Madden boots $150

I want this dress and I want someone to take me out in it.  I’m thinking dinner, theater, dancing, swanky hotel room.

Karen Millen $296.00

For my trip to Jamaica.

Burberry bikini $230

Someone buy me this bag already before they stop making it!  I’ve wanted this for over a year now.

Burberry bag $1595

I stayed at this hotel almost exactly one year ago and it was sublime.  I must go back and this time check out the restaurant and nightclub rather than getting the room service.

Trump International Chicago $345 per night and up

I chose to list a vacation to Australia because its something I never see myself being able to afford.  I would accept a free vacation to anywhere really, well, probably not any war-torn regions or disease infested counties.  Somewhere cool, not where people are dying, thats a total buzz-kill.

Vacation to Australia - I didn't even bother looking up a price

 

I think I’ve managed to make myself appear shallow and materialistic.

Seriously, though, email me if you need my mailing address to send me anything from my list.

Joel picked up a dining guide in a coffee shop one afternoon and brought it to my house.  I flipped through the pages, listings of every restaurant in our area, including fast food, coffee shops, ice cream parlors and brewery’s, bistros, and the like.   It has everything.  It was suggested we go to them all.

We marked off the first place we ate together, on our first date.  We’ve made sketchy rules; we have to eat something there, both of us, at the same time.  We can’t just walk in and walk out and mark it off the list.

Saturday night we headed to a place not listed in the book.  Perhaps that was our first clue.  Upon arrival the restaurant is closed, not for now, but seemingly forever.  On the way back to the car, at the opposite end of the block, is a Vietnamese restaurant.

The outer appearance is questionable.

Shady, suspect, not at all within in my comfort zone.

We pace the sidewalk in front for a moment asking one another if we should go in, ultimately deciding we may as well since we need to cross it off of the list eventually.

Raised eyebrows, shrugged shoulders, looks of uncertainty (mostly coming from me) we walked in the door.

Past a strange pond-ish thing containing goldfish or what should be believed to be koi, we find the young Vietnamese (?) hostess in her Hollister (I believe) tee, asking for the number of people in our party.

Obviously our party of two was going to double their current occupancy.

(I kid, I kid, there were at least 10 people in there.)

As we are being led to out seats I scan the room, observe the dingy once teal now faded and teal-ish carpet.  There are chair-pads on top of padded chairs, I’m puzzled, I’m intrigued, I’m actually giddy with excitement because ohmygod a new experience, something I’ve never done before!

Sadly, I appear nothing more than hesitant and ready to bolt at any moment.  I wonder how often I exude the opposite of my actual feelings.

I’m worried I won’t like the food.

I can’t stop scanning to room each time observing something strange, like one strand of icicle Christmas lights awkwardly hung halfway across the door way, the old chandeliers, once brass now…. something else, there’s a deer’s head oddly mixed in the worn decor.  It feels like I’m dining in someones home.

As it turns out the scotch is watered down, no matter, I’m not drinking it, the food is good and I couldn’t have had a better time.

Theres a conversation that should never be dinner conversation unless, of course, you are having dinner with me.

I laugh so hard I almost cry.  I love a man with quick wit.  He’s making my night.

We walk to a local brewery, he orders a beer, I order a cosmo.  I get a don’t be such a hoity bitch, order a goddamn beer look from the bartender who simply replys ”no” to my request.  I watch Joel drink his beer instead.

The river is nearby, we drive to it and park.  Walking along hand in hand, I’m wearing his gloves.

A rabbit darts in front of us and I scream.  We laugh.

Theres an outdoor patio area behind a restaurant along the river, stage at one end covered with a white canopy, lights draped above the patio, criss- crossing, giving off just enough of a glow.  We walk to the center, I turn to him, he hums quietly, and we sway.

We call it a night and go home.

I sleep with his arms wrapped around me.

This is how it all starts.

Theres an art to bottling that feeling and making it last forever.  I worry I haven’t perfected it yet.

Watered down scotch, humming, hand holding, fortune cookies and something about a tasty messiah (don’t ask, I couldn’t possibly explain).  The things I will remember about that night.

But mostly, and most importantly…..

the man.

How prostitution will help me achieve my goals

I have this to-do list posted of things I want to do before I die, or ya know, before I’m too damn old to do them.

Somedays, like today, I wonder what it is I am doing to achieve my goals.  These goals are written, established, goals, so…. what am I doing to cross this stuff off of my list?  When you feel stuck in life its good to have goals (check) and its good to sometimes take inventory of your efforts to achieve those goals (aaaaand check).

On my list is ‘earn my masters degree’ so, ok, I’ve registered for school and am starting classes in 15 days.  Solid effort toward achieving that goal.  Mental high five!

Lets see…. also on the list, ‘write and publish a book’ I went at this one pretty hardcore for a few months, but rejection letter after rejection letter caused me to become a bit disenchanted with this goal.  I’ll come back to it later, it stays on the list, I just need to let my bruised ego heal a bit.

‘Open my own business’ goes hand in hand with school.  Once I become a licensed counselor and have a few years experience in my field I plan to open my own practice.

‘Learn to smoke cigars’ this one scares the bejeezus out of me, but I’m ready to try it.  There are cigars at my house, courtesy of the worlds best boyfriend, and we are simply awaiting a special celebratory occasion on which to smoke them.  Soon, very, very, soon.

‘Learn to appreciate scotch, whiskey and bourbon’ um yeah, but no.  This is not happening, much like appreciating red wine is not happening.  I’m trying, believe me, I want to be a classy bitch, sadly I’m not classy yet, but I’m working on it.

The rest of my to-do’s require the illusive thing known as money.

I could sell my eggs for $5,000-$8,000 a pop.  Seriously, if you don’t mind weight gain, giving yourself daily hormone shots and celibacy, look into it.  Me?  I mind.

There’s always The Bunny Ranch.  Yes?  Um, no.

I could marry a millionaire.  My stupid quest for true passionate love will surely get in the way of me marrying for money.  Dammit, why must I have such standards?

Instead, I’m working 2 jobs, slowly paying on my credit cards and someday I’ll be able to afford to check some more things off of my list.  I must keep reminding myself when I am down that I am in fact working toward my goals, some goals are harder fought than others, the worthwhile are hard to achieve.

“Jerry, he’s a guy”

Last night Joel and I were watching an episode of Seinfeld.  Jerry had gotten Keith Hernandez’ phone number at the gym and he and Elaine were discussing why he hadn’t called yet.  They were going back and forth like a couple of girls speculating as to why he hadn’t called (the conversation takes place about 5 minutes into the video).  Joel asked if girls really do that stuff and I responded with and emphatic hell yes we do!

I explained that women are always making excuses for guys and the reasons why they don’t call or don’t show up.  If he doesn’t call, women will try to come up with reasons why, such as: maybe he’s been hospitalized, maybe his phone broke, maybe he lost my number, or as Elaine said “maybe he’s been busy, maybe he’s out of town”.

When the truth is; if a guy wants to call, he’s gonna call.  If he looses your number he’ll find a way to get a hold of you.  He will look up every Jane Doe in the phone book and call, he’ll ask mutual friends, he’ll look for you on facebook, he’ll remember where you said you work.  If a guy wants to find you, he will.  Period.

All of this is to make a point, I promise it is.

I remember back when Bruce and I first met and spent the weekend together, then the following Monday he did a really douchey thing.  He showed his true colors quickly and I consulted my 2 go-to friends about his behavior.  First, my best guy friend, who said without a doubt stop seeing him, he has issues.  Second, my best girl friend, who said maybe Bruce just realized he really liked me a lot and it scared him how much he liked me and it caused him to act out.

Now, there you go, women are always trying to make excuses for men.  Truth was Bruce had a temper and it was a bad one.  He did not have this sudden uncontrollable fit of rage because he “liked me too much”.  Why on earth would any sane woman think so?

This all leads me to this….

I overanalyze, always have, it’s my nature.  So naturally, I overanalyze Joel’s words and behaviors.  Last night I overanalyzed this (actually, I’m still analyzing it today): Joel was coming to my house last night, he didn’t give me a firm time that he would be over but I got off work at the bar at 8pm and he mentioned coming to the bar to hang out while I finished up my shift, so I assumed, he’d be in town by 8pm at the latest.  Perhaps it was my mistake in assuming the time he would arrive.

As it happened, I got off work about a half hour early, so I texted Joel to let him know I would be at home, so he wouldn’t stop by the bar.  He texted back to say he got delayed helping a friend and would be over in about an hour.

He called when he was on his way and he arrived, flowers in hand, about an hour later.  How many times have we been told “actions speak louder than words”?  And so, judging on actions alone, he called to explain when he could have simply waited until he got to my house and he brought flowers.

I’m thinking I pretty much have the best boyfriend on the face of the earth, which every woman should be jealous of, that I am lucky to have landed.

But I’m also thinking, re-thinking and over-thinking about the words he chose in his text message to me.  You see, this is where women can ruin a good thing; this is where we screw it all up, right inside our own heads.  We sometimes defeat ourselves with our thoughts.

When he texted to say he was delayed, he told me that he was delayed helping a friend with something.  When he called to explain, he told me that he was helping his roommate’s dad with something.  Now, friend and roommate’s dad are two different things.  So, I question why he chose his words and if there is something amiss.

Yes, guys, women do this stuff.  Don’t bother trying to choose your words more carefully; we’ll just pick those words apart too.  Just know that no matter what you say or how you say it, we will assume you meant something else.

I let it go, friend, roommate’s dad, what’s the difference?  But it is still nagging at me why he chose to use the word friend.

This morning, as he was leaving for the next few days to Chicago, I asked him where he was staying.  I knew the answer to this question; he had volunteered the information over a week ago to me.  I know where he is staying and who he is staying with, and yet, I asked because of what I viewed to be an inconsistency between his text and his words.

For some women its curiosity, insecurity, jealousy, control…..

For me, its trust.  Trust I lost long ago, trust that I blindly gave to J who abused it to the nth degree during our year together, trust that I just don’t have for people.

I think it will take a new history of truth being backed by truth time after time for me to finally trust again.  I do hope I allow myself the chance to get there again, and I hope Joel has the patience to stick with me while I work on it.

Since I have both male and female readers, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.  Am I reading too much into the difference in words?  How would you react to the situation?

MeMeMeMeMeMeMe!

Feeding into the epidemic that is sweeping the nation (widespread narcissism), and because I have a bit of writers block today, here is a meme that is circulating.  In other words, you don’t need to read this.  Tune in tomorrow to see if I have something relevant to say.  No promises.  I rarely have anything relevant to say.

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?

No, not unless airport cops count, and let’s be honest, they don’t.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?

I try not to, what’s the use of riding one if you don’t have your eyes open to enjoy the ride?

3. When’s the last time you’ve been sledding?

I’m going to have to venture a guess here and say it was maybe 1996.  I remember whining about the cold so its safe to say I was no longer a child, but rather developing into the diva that I am today who abhors the cold.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?

I would rather sleep with someone else but only if the someone else is a good bed partner, i.e. no snoring, no blanket stealing, no dutch ovens, etc.  If the person cannot be a good, respectful, bedmate, then I’d rather sleep alone.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?

Nope.  Even still, scary movies make me think I can hear ghost in my house, which doesn’t make sense if I don’t believe in them.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?

Yes, hence the career in design.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?

Um, YEAH!  Does anyone really think he did not?

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?

Jennifer Aniston.

9. Do you stay friends with your ex’s?

I try to, but I don’t associate with douches and some of my exes are douches.

10. Do you know how to play poker?

I can sorta play.  I don’t know all the rules but I’ve always been a ‘fake it til you make it’ kinda girl.  I could manage.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

Ha! No.  Most people want to kill me if I’m awake for more than 18 hours because I get real cranky.

12. What’s your favorite commercial?

There was a commercial for a compilation CD that came out when I was in Junior high or High school.  You know the kind where the names of the song and the artist scroll across the screen while the songs are playing and some dude is trying to sell you the CD?  Yeah, well, this commercial was for a bunch of 70’s songs, I had the commercial memorized, still do actually, and I could sign along with it.  I love that commercial, I would have totally linked to a youtube video of it if I could find it, but I couldn’t.

13. What are you allergic to?

Bees, whiners, suckups and manual labor

14. If you’re driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights?

If I’m sure no one is around, and I have to pee, sure, yeah, why not?

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?

Yes.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?

These are sports teams right?  I’m not sure I’m qualified to answer this question.  I’d like to go to Boston and New York though, but that has nothing to do with the question, or does it?  I’m confused.

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?

No, but I would really like to.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?

Quite often, but not always.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?

I may have shed a tear when I first saw Kitten Mittens.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?

Eight days a week, We can work it out, The Ballad of John and Yoko, Revolution, Strawberry Fields.  In other words, yes, I can.

21. What’s the one thing on your mind now?

There’s never only one thing on my mind, my life would be much more serene if I only thought of one thing at a time.

22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass Barbie is?

Yes, but only because I just googled it.

23. Do you always wear your seat belt?

Yes.

24. What cell service do you use?

Verizon

25. Do you like Sushi?

I wouldn’t say I like it, but I don’t hate it either.  I certainly don’t crave it.

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?

Not that I can recall

27. What do you wear to bed?

Depends on who is in bed with me

28. Been caught stealing?

Is a Jane’s Addiction song

29. what shoe size do you have?

9

30. Do you truly hate anyone?

What does it mean to ‘truly hate’ someone?  I really dislike Ann Coulter, does that count?

31. Classic Rock or Rap?

Both, please and thank you.

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?

Who aspires to sleep with famous people?  I imagine famous people are selfish in bed and have icky diseases.

33. Favorite Song?

I will never declare one song to be my ‘favorite’ song, because I love too many things about too many different songs.  Having said that, To Make You Feel My Love by Adele, is a pretty great song.

34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror?

Uh, yeah, who hasn’t?

35. What food do you find disgusting?

Foods with slimy textures; jello, pudding, oysters, etc.

36. Do you sing in the shower?

Sometimes

37. Did you ever play, “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours”?

That’s what she said

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?

Of course.

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?

Yes.

40. Have you ever been punched in the face?

No.

The root of all evil

I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.   -Sylvia Plath

Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living -Jonathan Safran Foer

Those two quotes pretty much sum it up for me.  There are so many days when I get frustrated knowing I cannot possibly do all the things I want to do in this limited lifetime.  I get mad at myself for wasting so many years wanting and doing nothing.  I get irritated with my lack of money to do all the things I want to do.

I want to get my masters degree, maybe someday my doctorates.  I want to travel, spend at least 2 months roaming around Europe, spend time in Australia, China, Madagascar, Africa, Brazil, and too many other places to mention.  I want to do some sort of work in the fashion industry, I’ve said before, I want to design shoes.  I want to write a book.  I want to learn Spanish, and French maybe even Chinese or German or Latin.  There are a million other things I’m eager to learn about, do, see and experience, but its sad to know that so many of those things will be left undone.

Too much of my life the past few weeks have revolved around my lack of money.  School is going to be difficult to pay for.  I’ve spent the last year and a half living on my own, paying my own bills and basically treading water, I feel as though I am loosing strength and am on the verge of going under.

My 30th birthday is in March, I have the opportunity to go to Jamaica for a week in February to celebrate the occasion with my best friend, but it probably won’t happen.

It’s hard to sit in my office or at my house and know that I am unable to do so many things that I want to do because of my lack of ‘funding’.

It’s an awful thing to be motivated, willing, eager, and virtually unable to sit still.  I hate that the only thing that stands between me and everything I’ve ever wanted is money.  Such a small, seemingly unimportant thing, yet so very big and important when it comes to realizing my dreams.

Confession

October 21st, Joel and I went on our first date.  22 days ago.

4 days after our first date, we saw each other again.  I wrote this about that night.

This is what I haven’t said, in so many words, in order to save face, in case it all falls apart.  This is what I’ve felt but held back, thought but not said:

I’ve been wrong.  Wrong to say I would never find another that would make me as happy as I have been before.  Wrong.  Thats not to say I wasn’t partially right, I am not as happy as I was before, or have been before, the biggest shock has been that I am much happier.

What I’ve been afraid to admit is how much I like Joel.  I’m afraid to say that I’m happy, that he makes me want to be a better person, that he makes my heart do that stupid flip-flop thing that until you’ve felt it for yourself you laugh at others for claiming it exists.

The thing is, I make rash decisions, I decide and then I do.  I jump in.  What I rarely do is regret following my gut.  Things I’ve decided to do and done in very short periods of time include; getting a divorce, going back to school, going on vacation, and buying a house.  I’ve never regretted one of those huge, life changing decisions, and I made them all with my gut.

I know what I have been looking for in a man.  I’ve been looking for it for as long as I can remember.  Even as I was married, I was looking for something more, I hoped to get the things I desired from my husband, but when I didn’t, I decided to follow my gut.

I had conversations with my friends and family about my ‘requirements’ for a man.  The proverbial ‘boxes’ that needed checked before I would give up, give in and settle down again.

Boxes be damned, I’m falling anyway, for someone who does not check them all.  They said it would happen.  That list would just disappear when someone worthy came my way.  They told me once I found that spark that I was looking for, the list of requirements would be reduced to just one thing: that spark.  Nothing more is needed, nothing less accepted.

So, I’m declaring a truce, after 22 days, I give up.  It has stopped fighting me, so I will stop fighting it.

If there is comfort to be found in uncomfortable places, I will find it.  I will let my guard down.  I will put feelings into words.  I will put my pride aside and allow my vulnerable thoughts to take the form of words and actions.

So what if it doesn’t work out, so what if I admit to falling for a man who things don’t end up working out with.  So what.  No one ever died of embarrassment or a bruised ego.

I can continue to pretend as though he doesn’t make me feel something that I’ve never felt before, or I can admit that he does, and that I’d like for that to never end.

I’m packing it in, calling it a day.  I’ve shut down the dating profiles, drawn back the dating feelers I had put out and I happily declare myself in this relationship, all in.

Should it all work out, I’ll be happy to have admitted that I kinda had the feeling 4 days after meeting him that I wanted it to.  And if it doesn’t work out, bruises heal, pride can be restored.  I’ll relabel this post romantic fiction and we’ll never speak of it again.

Trust

“The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are.  Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they’re not, we cry.”

I have issues with trust.  I don’t feel that my issues come from unfounded paranoia, they come from experience.  One can reasonably assume something that has happened multiple times in the past will continue, without dramatic changes, to happen multiple times in the future.  Hence the reason we all assume the sun will rise every morning, because it has risen every morning in the past.

The reason I think guys lie is because guys have lied to me in the past.

My trust issues began at the age of 8.

My dad sat me down and told me he was leaving.  Then he told me not to worry because I would always be his number one girl and we would get to see each other all the time and we would still do lots of fun stuff together.

Lies.

There was a long line of I’ll call you’s and I’ll pick you up at 8’s that ended up being lie after lie after lie.  By the time I was of dating age I was sufficiently jaded.  Truth was something that didn’t exist, at least not where boys were concerned.  Boys lie, that was fact to me.

But then I met and married my high school sweetheart.  A man so dedicated to me, so dependable, that I began to change my way of thinking.  Maybe some boys lie, but certainly I have married proof that not all boys lie.  Maybe, just maybe, most boys don’t lie, and I just had bad luck growing up.

Then back in the dating scene; into a relationship that was a lie built on a lie that made baby lies that grew into big lies and had baby lies of their own.

My trust issues were solidified.

I don’t trust anyone, especially not boys.

I enjoyed having trust in the man I was with.  For that 14 years I was with my ex, I trusted.  When he went away to college, no big deal, I knew he was faithful.  Playing in a band, out at bars, girls vying for his attention, whatever, he wasn’t going anywhere.

Now, I’m back to where I was before I met and married my ex.  I don’t trust what anyone says and I most certainly don’t trust that anyone is going to actually do what they say they will or won’t do.

I believe I will be left for the next best thing at any moment.  I believe men are unfaithful by nature.  I believe they are always looking,always flirting, always encouraging or allowing advances from other women.  I’m insecure, because its been proven that I should not and cannot trust.

I often will not say how I feel about a man if what I have to say is that I really like him, or that I love him.  I won’t say if I think he makes me feel differently about him than I have felt about others in the past.  I won’t say something so revealing as to give away my power.  In my eyes, saying how I feel, if those feelings are personal and make me feel vulnerable, is too dangerous because chances are I cannot trust the person I am saying those things to.  Chances are at some point I will be betrayed by that person and I will regret saying or feeling those things.

If I don’t say it, then I can pretend I didn’t feel it, and I can cling tightly to my pride.

I want to trust someone again like I trusted my ex, the difference was that man was an open book.  I never questioned what he was thinking, he just told me.  When he said he would be somewhere, he was there.  He would call even when he hadn’t said he would call.

I want to believe that there are men worthy of my trust.  I want to believe I will trust again.  Luckily, I’m an optimist.

There’s a certain freedom that comes with trusting someone, I would like to experience that again.

Frustration

I haven’t given an update on my progress with school lately.  Mostly I’ve avoided the subject because I’m knee-deep in financial aid bullshit and its frustrating the shit out of me.

Here’s where I’m at though, my classes start December 2nd.  I’m going to dive in, as I do with most everything in life, and take a full course load the first semester.  Make no mistake I want to get this done and over with as soon as possible.  If I can manage the 2 jobs and full-time course load for one semester then I will continue with it.  If I can’t, my first choice is to drop the second job, second choice is to take fewer classes.  I’m not sure quitting my second job is an option at this point.

Which leads me to financial aid…..

This is how it works out: Grants: $0, Subsidised loans: $a lot of dollars, Unsubsidized loans: $a lot more dollars, ‘gap’ in financing: $more dollars than I care to talk about.

For fun, lets talk about how expensive school will be for me when my undergrad degree is finished.  Looking at big dollar amounts is always fun, more fun when they are owed to you rather than an amount you will owe to others, but hey, its fun!

If I can’t laugh about it I will likely cry, so play along.

Currently, I have $6000.00 in student loans.  Yes, for real, I am putting my numbers out there for you all to read.

When I am finished with my undergrad degree I will have an additional $42,000.00 in student loans.

Upon finishing my undergrad degree I will also have an additional $10,000.00 in ‘gap’ loans (provided I can actually get someone to loan me that money, thats a whole ‘nother story)

Any math majors out there?  No? Okay, let me tabulate my total education bill for you……… $58,000.00

Fifty-Eight-Thousand- Dollars!

And lets not forget that I still need to go to graduate school.

Oh, and I’ve been turned down for ‘gap’ loans from both Sally Mae and Wells Fargo.  Thankyouverymuchfornothing.

So, with a $10,000 deficiency in my financing, I am left wondering how exactly I will manage to get through school if I cannot pay for it and no one will give me a loan to pay for it.

Thus, the  reasons I tried to make my case to Joel last night as to why the government should pay for school.

I’d rather have free education than free healthcare.  If I have to choose, then I will get an education which will provide me a job and resources to pay for my own damn health care.

Or, how about we just stop paying for people like my aunt to pop out babies and claim disability because she has an ingrown hair, therefor, making the rest of us pay for her illegitimate children and her food stamps.  Good thing she can manage to be resourceful enough to come up with money for cigarettes on her own.  I would hate to have to support that habit.  But kids?  Sure, pop ‘em out! Just put it on my tab, I’ll carry your lazy uneducated ass through life while I struggle to work full-time and go to school full-time so that I might pay for you to take up space and waste resources.  Kudos!  I could learn something from you.

To our government I say this:  Here you have a willing, if not overly zealous, person looking to educate themselves, better themselves and in turn better their community.  I pay taxes, I will continue to pay taxes, I pay my bills, I pay them on time, I pay them in full.  I don’t ask for help, I don’t ask for hand outs.  What I want is to be a better person and be a contributing member of this society that I consider myself lucky to be a part of.  What I don’t have in order to do all of this is your support, sure, you give me loans, which I’m happy to have, and happy to pay back but you don’t give me enough to cover the cost of my education.  I did not choose an ivy league over-priced school.  I chose a reasonably priced no-name institution that could get me the education I need and desperately want for a reasonable price and STILL I cannot manage to get it paid for.

But those that are unwilling to work.  Those that are looking for a handout.  Those people?  Those people, get an all access, all expenses paid trip through life.  Well, thanks so much for your help, if it wasn’t for all our government does then maybe someone like my aunt and others like her would be forced to get a JOB, which she is perfectly capable of doing.  She knows how to mop floors, she knows how to cook, she knows how to wipe old peoples asses.  She is qualified and physically able to do work.  Make her do work so there is money left in the kitty for the rest of us that would like to do constructive things with our lives!

Thats is all.

I will be back to my regular scheduled programming of gushing over boys soon.