My warning label

Dear (Potential Suitor)-

Before we begin, I feel there are some things you should know about me, perhaps this will prevent either one of us from wasting our time or suffering the effects of a broken heart.

I dream big, I want for more than I will probably ever have, I will talk about impossibilities as if they are about to become my truth.  Please allow me this, it gets me through the day.

I’m a messy girl.  My closet frequently appears as though it has suffered a missile attack and there are always dirty dishes in the sink.  I hate to vacuum the floors and cleaning the bathroom only happens once it becomes a hazardous mess.

I will smother you if you let me, please don’t let me.  I will allow you to become my everything and lose sight of who I am in the process, then, I will blame you.

I will want to go out with my girlfriends without you tagging along.  I am not going to pick up guys, I will happily drunk dial you while I am gone and I will come home to you every time.

I like to spend one evening a week in front of my tv watching mindless sitcoms and shows about empty-headed rich girls that live in LA, this doesn’t make me shallow, I’m still intelligent, I know its silly.  Give me this one night.

I’m not a morning person.  I will not bounce out of bed with a smile on my face, but I will drag my ass out of bed and whine like a baby for the first hour of my day if awakened against my will.  Once I get that out of my system, if you are patient with me, I will make you a really good breakfast.

I don’t like to talk on the phone.  I probably won’t engage you in stimulating conversation over the phone.  I will be listening, trying not to think about that fact that every damn time I get on the phone I have to pee.  Also, I will say “what?” and “um?” alot, it’s not because I can’t hear you, its because I don’t know what to say.

I have 3 dogs, they have a lot of hair.  There will be dog hair on my floor and they smell like dog.  My dogs and I are a package deal.  Love me, love my dogs.  If you can’t handle that, we’re done here.

I endured a really bad relationship and went through a bad breakup.  I’ve had my heart broken, it changed how I react to certain things.  I’m sorry, we all have baggage, that is my carry on.

I’ve suffered from depression.  I may have a problem with it again, I don’t know.  I work hard to fight it when I feel it coming on and I will involve you if I feel myself becoming depressed.  It is an illness not to be dealt with alone.  Again, we all have baggage.

I will remember everything you say that you like and dislike.  I will buy you the most thoughtful gifts I can possibly think of based on those likes and dislikes.

I will miss you when you are not with me and when I see you I won’t want to let go of you.  If I am not doing these things, chances are, you aren’t it for me.

I will say I like you, I really like you and I could see myself with you for a long time, but I probably won’t say I love you, you’ll have to say it first.

I want to get married, I want to live with someone, I want to be taken care of.  I will not make this a secret, but I’m not looking for just anyone, I’m looking for ‘the one’.

I want you to make yourself at home in my home.  I will keep your favorite food on hand, stock my refrigerator with your favorite beer and do anything else you need to feel comfortable there.  Please just make sure you put the toilet seat down while you are there.

I will have great tolerances for your hobbies, habits and idiosyncrasies.  I will even try to take an active interest in things that do not interest me because they interest you.  In turn, I ask that you not look down upon me for my love of shoes, handbags and celebrity gossip.

I am rarely satisfied with not having travel plans.  Whether it’s a long weekend or a trip overseas, I want to go, I don’t want to spend my free time on my couch, that’s what my evenings are for.

I will probably never stop learning.  I’m constantly looking to learn from books, from people and from experience.  If I’m not learing something from you, chances are we won’t last long.

I want to own my own business, I want to write a book, I want to travel; these are long-term goals that I will need you to be supportive of and on board with.  My desires for my life do not begin and end with you, but they most certainly will include you if you want to be a part of them.

I get jealous and insecure.  Sometimes I feel ugly, or fat, or undesirable.  I will need reassurance and I will need you to be understanding.

I’m opinionated and I don’t like to be wrong.  Please don’t feel like you can’t argue with me if I am wrong, I welcome it, but you better have your facts straight because I will try to prove you wrong.

My tolerance for lies, modified versions of the truth or omissions of information is quite low.  Lying is a betrayal of trust, even if the lie has little to do with our relationship.  Once you lie to me I will look at you differently and I may never feel the same about you after.  Don’t lie to me, it’s easier to tell the truth and significantly increases our chances of surviving together.

I don’t often cry in front of people, even if I am very hurt or very sad.  I put on a pretty good show that indicates I am strong and unaffected.  In reality, I’ve been conditioned not to show emotion, please don’t mistake my lack of outward emotion for a lack of feeling.

My feet are firmly planted in reality.  I don’t believe in the unknown.  If it can’t be scientifically explained or proven, chances are I will not believe it.  This is the reason I do not read fiction and it is the reason I have trouble watching science fiction.

I really, really, dislike making simple decisions like choosing the restaurant we eat at or choosing which movie we will see.  Deciding what shoes to wear with my outfit is trying enough, please don’t make me think about dinner or movies.

I will analyze everything you say and do.  I will give meaning to meaningless actions.  I will question why you sat on the couch with your legs crossed away from me rather than toward me.  I will wonder why you said “goodbye, beautiful” on the phone one night but simply said “goodbye” the next.

I will assume any woman who sends you a text message is someone you are sleeping with, have slept with or hope to one day sleep with.  Please explain, or change their name in your phone to a dudes name so I don’t have to worry.

If you dated her once.  I hate her.

If you had sex with her.  I hate her more.

I adore a man who is good with directions, drinks coffee, knows how to tip, opens doors for me, uses words you don’t hear in everyday conversation, brings me flowers, knows a lot about wine, bourbon or scotch, can fix things around the house, gets my cynical sense of humor, makes me laugh, makes me feel safe, is not just good but great in bed, is not afraid to try new things and treats me with the utmost respect.

It also doesn’t hurt if you can charm all of my friends and family and make them adore you as much as I do.

Chances are you will not meet my friends and family for quite sometime, I try to separate my romantic relationships from my family life to avoid having to explain the comings and goings of men that things just didn’t work out with.  If I introduce you to my friend Carrie, you have your foot in the door.  When you meet my brother, you know I’m smitten.

I believe I can have everything I want from life because I am willing to go after it.  I don’t take it well when I am told that I want too much or that something is impossible.  Nothing is impossible, I will have it all; the man of my dreams and the life I dream of.

This is my warning label.  I ask that you not forget in addition to all of these things, I am caring, fun to be around, easy to talk to, silly, strong, delicate, funny, fancy, plain, ordinary, extraordinary, and so much more.

Imperfect

Now comes the time when I begin to question.

I’m broken, I have been broken. I’m unapologetic.  It is what it is, its made me who I am.

I’m proud of those scars, I fought for them.  But I wonder, why would someone else love them?  Why would you want to deal with the aftermath of a broken heart?

Who wants to be with an imperfect girl?

I have regrets.

I have fears.

I’ve been left before, more than once, without warning, without explanation without a second thought.  I’ve been used and discarded.  Tossed aside for someone newer, and ironically, always blonder.

I’m always waiting to be left.

I’ve been with men who are unworthy, abusive and cruel.  Reasoning that they would not leave me, knowing they have something they do not deserve.  Eventually convincing myself they will leave me once they realize they have something they don’t deserve.

I’ve met men who are worthy, caring and considerate.  Reasoning that they will leave me, knowing they have something that is ordinary.  Eventually convincing myself I should leave them lest they realize I am nothing but ordinary.

I’ll look them in the eyes, trying to recognize untruths and inconsistencies, I wonder if they can see them in my eyes.  I’ve been wrong before, taken a look of unconscionable dishonesty for unblinking sincerity.  I do not trust the eyes.

I will not reveal who I am; broken, imperfect, flawed.  I hide it, I hope they cannot see it.  They always see it.

Now, you have an idea of who I am; polite, thoughtful, refined, intelligent.  I stifle the rest, the childish sense of humor, the adolescent revelry, the irresponsible daydreams.

I eat crackers in bed, sleep until half the day has been wasted, lounge in front of the television without purpose.  I’m driven to learn, eager to explore, thirsty for more life in my life.  I only let them see the good things.  I hide the rest, sweep up the crumbs and pretend to be half of what I am.

And when they decide to leave the good half, I wonder how much shorter our time would have been had I revealed the rest of myself, the unappealing, the unpleasant, the reality.

I want to say ‘you be you, and I’ll be me, and we will be okay.’  But I can’t be me, not all me, its overwhelming to them.  I know that.

To someone my imperfections are perfect.

Someone will hold my hair back when I’ve overindulged.

Someone will love that I can lounge all day in my sweatpants then throw on a cocktail dress for a night at the opera.

Someone won’t mind when I argue about religion, or politics, or why a woman absolutely does need five hundred dollar shoes.

Someone will laugh with me when I say ‘that’s what she said’ at the most inopportune moment.

Someone will take this silly fear I have of being left because I’m me and extinguish it once and for all.

Falling

If one advances confidently in the direction of their dreams and endeavors to live a life at which they have always imagined, they will meet with a success unexpected during common hours

-Henry David Thoreau

Things are falling into place.  Everyone promised me that they would.

I am officially registered for school.  I have to finish filling out my financial aid paper work (boooo) but I am signed up (yays!).

I found out the school I earned my Associates Degree from is, in fact, accredited, it’s just not the accreditation most schools use or require when transferring credits.  So, my credits still will not transfer.  The school I have chosen is a non-traditional school, geared toward adult learners.  I can complete my undergraduate in 2-1/2 years, less if I’m awesome, and we all know I am.

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I went out on Halloween with my bestie, Steph.  It was last-minute so I had to come up with a costume using things I had in my house.  My options were a prom queen or a bride.  I went with prom queen.  Shockingly, I fit into my prom dress that I wore 11 years ago.  Win!!

We danced, drank, laughed, drunk dialed Joel (its amazing the man still likes me) and had a really good time.

Last I talked to Steph she was still suffering from the effects of a night of drinking.  I assume she is alive today.

Perhaps I should check?

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JJ texted me at the oh-so-convenient hour of 1am on Saturday morning.  He apologised for not speaking to me for so long, and he asked me how much he owed me for his phone bill.  I didn’t respond until I woke up the next morning.  I haven’t heard from him since.

I figure you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.  He clearly isn’t willing to help himself.

***************************************

Tiny continues to send texts.  It’s actually not as bad as it could be.  I expected him to be much more aggressive in his attempts to win me back.  I’m glad he isn’t being too persistent.  He’ll be fine.

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And finally, Joel….

He’s kind of perfect.  Not in a can-do-no-wrong sense, more in a perfect-for-me sense.

Any man who shows up to my house with wine and roses is more than okay in my book.

I cooked dinner for him last night, after which we spent hours sitting on the couch listening to music, drinking wine and talking.

We discussed Thanksgiving and I ended up suggesting he come with me and meet my family.  Normally this is the point in which I decide things are moving too fast.  I withdraw and claim it’s all too much too soon.

My thought on people I am dating meeting my family is something like this; if this is a person I see long-term potential with, if this is a person I’ve been with for quite sometime, if this is a person I think could be ‘the one’, then I will consider introducing them to my family.

My family has not met anyone I’ve dated since my divorce.  That includes the man I dated for over a year.  I keep it separate, as a way to protect myself.

I don’t feel like keeping this separate.  I feel like inviting him in right away, it feels okay, I’m not sure why.

Now I’m just waiting for him to decide it’s too  much for him, too soon for him to meet my family.  I’m waiting for him to back out.

I hope he sticks around for a very long time.

A good friend once told me that he thought (I don’t remember his exact words, but it went some thing like this) the perfect relationship is one where both people think they ended up with someone better than they ever thought they could have.

I’m not exactly sure how he feels, but I’ll say this; I feel like I’ve won the lottery.

I wait

I do this thing when it comes to men and relationships.  Actually, it’s a thing I don’t do.  I blame J.  J is to blame for a lot of things I do in relationships, he changed the way I interact with men.  J is such an asshole.  That’s not the point though.

So the thing I do, or don’t do is initiate communication.  I typically will not be the first to send a text, I won’t be the first to make a phone call, I won’t ask to see a man if I want to see him.  He needs to do all of those things first.

I used to be very different.  If I wanted to see or talk to J, I called him.  If I wanted to send a quick text for no reason, I did that.  Over a year of unanswered, unreturned phone calls, being turned down when I ask to see him, being stood up for dates, broken promises and being made to feel like I wanted too much communication and togetherness, have made me change my way of doing things.

Now, I wait.  I wait for the text.  I wait for the phone call.  I wait for the invitation to dinner.  I wait.  If a man wants to see me, talk to me, call me or text me, he will.  If he doesn’t want to, he won’t.  I don’t want to chase a man ever again.  Although, I technically wasn’t chasing J, it just felt like I was.

Tiny complained about this behavior numerous times.  He hated that I never took the initiative to call him.  Bruce complained about it also.  They are not wrong, I don’t take the initiative.  I’d rather suffer in silence, waiting for the phone to ring, wondering when I will see the person next, than to actually let them know that I want to talk to them and I want to see them.

I’ve officially let one bad relationship change the way I do things.  It changed me.  I’m not at all happy about it.

Take last evening for example; Joel texted me early in the evening and asked what I was doing.  I told him I had no plans, that I was just hanging out at home.  I could have said, “you should come over”.  I did want to see him, regardless of the fact that he had just left my house that morning.  I like him, I want to see him.

Instead of saying “come over and hang out with me” I said nothing.  Because I don’t want to seem needy, or too attached, or dependant.  Being at home by myself making dinner, reading, watching tv, falling asleep on the couch, are all things I like doing just fine.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m fine with how my evening went.  But would I have rather spent the evening talking to him while cooking him dinner, watching tv with him and reading a book on the couch next to him?  Yes!

I couldn’t risk him saying no, so I didn’t ask.

And if he hadn’t called me later that evening to talk and ask about my day, I wouldn’t have called him, even though I really wanted to talk to him.

Before J and I got together I was of the mindset that if I wanted to call someone, I’d call.  As time went on with J and phone calls went unanswered or conversations felt rushed and unwelcome, I began to think my way of doing things was wrong.  So I changed.  I stopped chasing and waited to be chased.  Only with J, it never happened.

Now, I fear, with men that really do like me and really do want to talk to me, that I am giving the impression that I don’t want to talk to them, because I don’t initiate communication.  On the other hand, the idea of getting the nerve to initiate a call only to have it go unanswered, is too terrifying.  I don’t want to be the girl who wants too much from a man.  I don’t want to push someone away, yet I fear I’m giving off the impression that I couldn’t care less about the man because I don’t make an effort to talk to him.

Asking for a date is ten times harder.  Having a call go unanswered says “I don’t want to talk to you”, being turned down for a date says “I don’t want to see you”.  Much worse.

I worry this behavior will cause a man to lose interest because I seem to have no interest.  On the other hand, I don’t want to appear too needy.  This is a paranoia I would never have had if it weren’t for the one, really bad, horrible relationship, and I resent J a great deal for that.

For those of you living vicariously through me….

At this point Mr.TGTBT needs a real blog name.  I’m not typing that acronym from here on out and too-good-to-be-true isn’t exactly how I would classify him anymore.  So, he’ll be known as Joel from here on out.  Hopefully that is acceptable.

We went to see Paranormal Activity last night.  Want a quick review?  Starts off slow, gets interesting, gets freaky, ends.  Good luck trying to sleep afterwards.

So, we went to the movie and afterwards to a little cafe nearby.  I had never been to this particular place, it was wonderfully intimate.  We sat near the fireplace, enjoyed wine, fruit and cheese.  I ate fruit and some cheeses, which, get this, I’ve never had before.  I know, I know, I’ve lived a sad, sad, deprived existence.

A very important thing I look for in a man is whether or not he can teach me something.  I generally try to date men that are more cultured and more refined than myself.  I like a man who can introduce me to new experiences and who challenges me to get out of my comfort zone.  This man fills that requirement nicely.

Our conversation seems to flow easily and leads in all directions.  I like that about us.

Sometime during the evening we discuss his upbringing, all the moving around he did having a father in the military and the affect this has on the way he handles relationships as an adult.  It seems it is tough for someone who moved around a lot to form lasting, deep, connected, relationships.  It affects friendships and I have no doubt it will and has in the past affected his romantic relationships as well.

I’m not easily deterred by a challenge, not readily scared by men that can’t commit.  I held on to a commitment-resistant man before for over a year.  My counselor will earn her fee yet again trying to help me understand why it is that I commit myself to men with commitment problems.

I have a very specific ‘type’ when it comes to men.  I look for very specific traits in men, I know what I am looking for.  Maybe the distance and lack of ability to commit is all part of what attracts me and I just don’t realize that.  I do want commitment, fidelity, and eventually a marriage.  I just seem to want those things from men that have trouble giving them.

I don’t want to make it seem as though this is starting out negatively, it is not.  I like this man, a lot.  We have had nothing but good times together thus far.  Theres just been that one red flag, the one I’ve seen before, the one I’ve ignored before, the one I’m going to ignore again.

I like him, but I will hold back and try to seem just sort of whatever about the whole thing because thats how I protect myself.  I try to appear as though I am not getting attached, even as I am.  It should be obvious that the reason I employ a counselor is because I do shit like this.

So, in doing what I do, I will not have expectations, I will not ask for feelings, clarification of ‘where this is going’ or any other girly shit like that.  I will keep my mouth shut, enjoy his company and perhaps somewhere down the road muster the courage to admit that I actually like him.  3 dates seems too soon for me to ask anything of him or admit anything of myself.  Maybe, in say, 3 years….. I ought to hit my stride by then, right?

I’m a lost cause.

Anyway, long story short, another great night with him, I like him, and I’m still crazy as ever.

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2 steps back

As you all know I’ve decided to go back to school.  Its been a trying process.  First, choosing a major was not easy and it was not something I wanted to rush.  Finally, that decision was made.

I am going to be working towards my Masters in Counseling.  Illinois, among other states, requires specific licensing requirements to become a Licensed Professional Counselor.  So, my degree is not technically a psychology degree, not really a social work degree, rather, a specialized counseling degree.  Once I worked my way through the ins and outs of what is required to become a counselor in my state, I was happy to find a local college that offered the specific program I will need to enroll in.   Perfect.  Only, not.

I sent my transcripts over to the college last week and waited to hear which credits would transfer over and where exactly I would begin within the undergrad program.  Another school I had talked to put me at 47 credit hours already completed, which meant I was roughly halfway through my undergrad.  This made complete sense to me seeing as I have an Associates degree and 1 semester of community college already under my belt.

I hadn’t heard back from the school I was looking to enroll in, so yesterday, I called them to see what was up.  The admissions counselor informed me that the Associates degree that I earned hadn’t come from an accredited college.

[............]

huh?

So, first things first, I panicked. ohmygod I’m never going to go to school, I’m never going to get my degree, I’m going to be an uneducated looser for the rest of my life!

Obviously, the next thing I did was get pissed off.  How could I not have known this?  So I worked my ass off to complete a 2 year program in 11 months for nothing?!  I went to school and earned a degree that means nothing to anyone?  Was I informed this school was not accredited when I enrolled?  Did that little, very important, fact just go in one ear and out the other?  WHY would I have gotten a degree (a useless, good for nothing, over-priced degree) from a place that may as well have been a guy selling diplomas out of the back of a van!?

Then, I cried.  Because, sometimes, that’s the next logical step.

Finally, after the process that I’ve become all too accustomed with (panicking, getting pissed off, and crying) I was ready to move on.

I called the college back, spoke to the admissions counselor about what I need to do now that I will be starting as a freshman, rather than a junior.  He referred me to a local community college to get my gen ed courses out of the way at a lower price before enrolling in undergrad classes at his school.

Community College, yet another blow to my ego.  Not where I wanted to see myself, but a sensible choice nonetheless.

So, I spoke to an admissions counselor at the community college.  I will fill out an application and review the course listings today.

I’m crushed, but undeterred.

I already contemplated how difficult it will be to achieve a degree while working 2 jobs (technically 3) .  I know relationships will suffer; friends, family, and men will have to be patient, and hopefully, they will be supportive.  My mom has already informed me that she will not support me through this, she believes my quest for higher education is a result of my need to always ‘be better than everyone else’.  In a way she is right, I do always need to be better, but I do not need to be better than everyone else, I just need to be the best I can be.  I don’t need her to support that, it would be nice if she would, but I can do it on my own.

So, with no one to pick up the slack at home.  I will work, I will study, I will do the laundry, clean the house, make sure the dishes are done and dinner is cooked.  I will take as much time as  I can to scratch my dogs behind the ears and promise them big expensive fluffy doggie beds once I achieve my goals and my income increases.  And I will pat myself on the back, give my own pep talks and do it all by myself.

Because I can, because I have to, because I’m not a quitter.

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Last night was amazing.  It was one of those nights you know can never be replicated.  No matter how long I live, I will never have another night like I did last night.

I’ve had days and nights like this in the past, where I stop myself in the moment and take a mental inventory of what it looks like, feels like and smells like.  I take a snapshot so I can remember it later, because it will never be again.

This is what life is all about; the evenings we don’t want to see end, the feeling you get when you are in the presence of someone who you know is going to mean something in your life.

There were sparks.  I’ve only felt sparks with one other man.  They weren’t purely physical sparks, rather, they were emotional, intellectual, and physical.

In beginnings, I lose myself in the possibility of endings.  I get scared, I back away, I withdraw, I convince myself not to have hope.

I’ll allow myself hope this time, knowing it could end, knowing it could hurt, knowing it might not.

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